shameful Confession

I had a really hard time letting go of V.

After she dumped me, I tried to stay in touch, but I succeeded in slamming the doors shut by querying her about why she had done it.

She had told me.  I just wasn't grasping it.

Long ago, if I had just agreed to see her when she wanted to be seen, I'd probably still be there. 

I do understand that it was doomed because we were in two separate places.  I was completely gaga.  She wanted less.

I came on too strong and wanted too much.  I didn't leave her alone as she asked.  I wrote. She tolerated patiently.  I was like a crazy person.  My wounds were really deep.

But I had enough control to stay away from her, her family and everything else.  Still when you continue to attempt communication with someone who doesn't want you in their life, it's harrassment. I'm not proud and I am done.

And now, having had all the rejection I think I can stand for a while, having glimpsed wonderfulness... having met someone new who is also fantastic but unavailable...  I think it's time to put thoughts of dating on the back shelf and just... focus my energies on anything else.

This is the thing I am most ashamed of.  I was struggling to stay in control.  Maybe I loved selfishly. 

I know I was wrong and stupid and hurtful and annoying.

I wanted to be there to support her with the things she was going through.  I am sure she will succeed just fine without me.

I can't apologize enough... (she'd rather I vanished anyway so it's just as well.)

See, I don't think now that I will ever meet someone who will stick around.  And yet, I don't want more cats!

So I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love and I apologize.

I have to say good-bye. 

A broken heart keeps beating. 

Ay, that's the rub.