missed it by that much

Today a nice guy that often comes in to the library was inquiring about my sunburn.  One of the women I work with asked me how old I thought he was.  Then she suggested "why don't you go for it."  I really wanted to tell her.  You know that I did.  However, things weighed on my mind.

I am already not popular with the woman who yo-yos with all of our fates in the library system.  Though I like this co-worker and wouldn't mind being her friend in real life, she has issues herself with her employment status.  Moreover, she has made her Catholicism very apparent on more than one occasion. 

I want to be out and simultaneously well-treated.  I don't think I can come out to one staff member only.  That just wouldn't fly.

Homosexuals often fall into the trap of being in the closet until they are actually in a relationship and choose not to deny it.

I would rather they know.  I just don't think it is appropriate for the environment or healthy for my waning career.  Any revelation would soon be all over the world in this quiet village.  I'm just trying to live.

I'd like to be out to everyone.  My family knows and they have been kind.  Everyone at the other job knows and I am secure there because I have respect from the people in charge.

My new boss is pretty damn nice and I think that she would handle it well... I just don't see that it is a safe thing to do.

Coming out is always scary due to the fear of rejection or things even worse.

My immediate reaction was "Because I am gay."  But it stopped in my heart and my head took over before I let the words out.

Instead, I stood there with a quizzical look on my face, eyebrows kneading, stifled laughs turning to exhalations and muted "hmmphs."

Then she wanted to know why I was laughing to myself and I told her I couldn't say.

I want to be out. I need to be out. It's one more reason I need to find a different job.