1/30/2005

Damn me to hell, I did it.

I wrote to V. and cast it into cyberspace.  She may not even get it.

That's okay.  I said it and I'm done with it.  Whatever little ritual brings me over to the other side, more power to it!

 

libraries1

Do you think that maybe Benjamin Franklin's wife was the true inspiration for his brainchild, the public library?

People gather hundreds of books.  They could have used their library cards and saved thousands.

Years later they have all these books demanding storage space and dusting and being a sore spot in familial relationships.  There's no point to keeping something if you'll never use it again, no matter how wondrous and precious it may feel to you.

Here's a thought.  Get a library card.  When you borrow a book rather than buy it, take that money and... well... you could send it to me.

Let it go (written by someone else)

function doIgnoreAuth( href ) { var ret = popup(href,'ignore_author','302','200'); document.location.href='artlist.mbl?boardId=39657&sort=r_date'; return ret; } Let It Go.... ‹‹prev subject  ‹prev message next message›  next subject›› #wmbmsgspan P { margin-top: 3 pt; margin-bottom: 3 pt}    Message 1 of 15 (Msg # 39657:39043)
Subject: Let It Go....
Date: 1/27/05 10:58:24 PM EST
Author: Dreamrsmom
This is a message for you...you know who you are.  Please don't look for me, or follow where I go.  I'm in love, I'm committed, I've never been happier, keep your thoughts and "if only" to yourself.  Forget you ever met me.  What we once shared means nothing anymore.  Let it go..... People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.  It's not that I'm hateful.  I just know when it's time to Let It Go. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop  begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ... LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past...LET IT GO!!!  

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.... LET IT GO! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. Think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

Love and Devotion

V gave me a quote: "Heeding the call of a life of wakefulness, honesty and a love free of attachment is, perhaps, the most courageous and noble challenge facing any human being."

I have had this piece of paper on display in my house for many months.  I have been contemplating it but still am not sure that I understand.

Co-dependency. As I have come to understand this term, it means to be in a relationship where one or both parties enables the other to carry on in an unhealthy fashion.  But it seems like people mean that we should not rely on ech other, that we should be independent.  I think that is bogus!

Love without devotion is not love.  Love without devotion is a sundog in lieu of a rainbow.  I love my friends and my family.  I don't need to be with them to be devoted or to express my devotion.  But I am better for my relationships with these people.  We all NEED other people in our lives.

I'm sorry, cynical and bitchy world, but I AM ATTACHED to every person who I love.  I don't need to own them.  I do need to love them.

I would love to hear others weigh in on this topic.  If you are feeling shy about someone else seeing your response, feel free to e-mail me: virage65@aol.com.

Thanks.

V2

V

Even after four months... okay, three, oh detail-oriented one... you're still on my mind.  I came back to my senses a while ago.  I was "out of my head" over you.  You have nothing to fear.  You never did.  I stay away, knowing it's the right thing to do. 

I'm grateful to you.  I'm grateful to you for shutting the door.  I'm grateful to you for opening it.

I look back with an ache but also with a heart made warmer for your lingering essence within.  I carry your smile in my memory, your laughter in my heart.

You are missed, appreciated, honored, loved.

J

Pitfalls of computer addiction

I finished the last entry and heard my father calling to me.  That's right.  He was outside my door. (He does not come to see me, I go to see him.)  He hadn't heard from me in several days and came by to see if I was alive. Poor guy.

Well, I've just been working or sleeping.  Or playing on this thing.

Sad, ain't it?

Breakfast and Dinner (occasional lunches)

Were I in a relationship, I'd have these to share.

Regular eating patterns... and love... would do me a world of good.

Melissa

I often write about my regrets.  One of my greatest recent regrets is missing the celebration of Melissa's marriage to Lisa.  I was there.  I made it to the place, but had a hell of a time getting in touch with Vicki.  I should have skipped worrying about Vicki and gone in.  I wanted to show Melissa my support and was honored when she asked me.  I'd bought them a gift card for Home Depot.  But Vicki was on my mind and she was supposed to be going with me.  When I finally contacted Vicki, she gave me some excuse and I went up to see Vicki instead.  I gave Vicki the card.  Vicki is history.  Vicki only advances my soul a little, but a friend, a real friend... that is a different story.

Chung

If I was free enough to hang out with anyone I care to, I would spend some time with Chung.

Chung is a young man in his twenties who mans the counter at China Bell, my favorite Chinese restaurant.

He always smiles at me.  He seems to be happy knowing that he is the beating heart of the tiny take-out place, the bilingual conduit between the kitchen head and the hungry public stomach.

He has faith enough in me to hold library cards lost in his shop until I come in.  He offers them to me with my change; "We find this."

He must have all kinds of curious things arranged neatly under his counter. Yesterday he pulled a handsome scroll advertising calendar out and handed it to me -- even though I hadn't spent the requisite twenty dollars.  I think he likes me, too.

And if he doesn't, everyone can learn from him what customer service is supposed to be.

check it out

View the older entries. See link at the bottom of the page.

homosexuality

I did not choose this, but it has helped me understand the world.  I did not choose this, but it has been a gift. I did not choose this, but it is part of who I am.

RH

She made my youth happier.  She provided a kind of deeper nurturing affection that helped me make it.  She IS a book.  I miss her smile and her laughter.  I'm so happy that she is happy.  I'm so proud of her.  Thinking about her makes me feel good.  And some day before I die, I'm going back to Maine to see her again!

KKM

Hi Kim!  Knew you'd look!

This entry is all about Kim, my bud, my muse, my confidante, the repository of all my secrets, one of the very best people I will ever know.

The truth is that without this person in my life, I might not be alive today.  She infused me with lesbian lore, interest in life, energy to live it with. She taught me to peel back the viscous layer over my eyes and see the world with my mind and heart.

I haven't seen her... since the year my mother died.  I confess that I did bad things to Kim, but somehow we survived.

I idolized Kim to the point of imitation, but it was a crutch that got me to a better future.  I am ashamed of things I did in the past, and reticent about all the coulda, woulda, shouldas.  If I could relive my youth, I would have had a lot more sex than I did.  It's the truth.  I loved my friends and expressing it, even in the smallest ways, was beautiful.  With experience, I would have been much better at it much sooner!

The truth is that I was very shy.  People think I'm shy now.  They have no idea how very restrained I was at the age of 17 when I landed in college in Maine.  Kim sensed my energy.  I definitely noticed her.  She's beautiful. 

She deserves a book's worth of tribute.  I may continue this entry at a later point.

little secret

There is a woman in the western United States who I have been chatting with/e-mailing to for quite a while.  She's married and has a bunch of kids.  I find her delightful.  If I had the liberty, I'd probably move nearby and be her toy!

Without giving away any of her secrets, I've just confessed. 

Cold Sunday morning

I really should get up and do something.  But all I want to do is stay warm and be quiet.  I should do laundry.  I should clean this place up.  I should go see my family.  I was intending to check out the nearest MCC today.  Maybe I will.  Don't know yet. 

Caught this cutie Math teacher online a few moments ago.  She seems kind of shy, something for which there is no excuse because she seems to have it going on! She keeps asking for my picture.  So many do.  I don't photograph well.  I broke my jaw as a child but nobody knew it until a dentist pointed out where my bones had fused together.   I don't remember anything about the event.  (If you want details, ask me.)  I suppose I'm looking for an excuse.  I'm not pretty.  I'm plain, ruddy, scarred.

Going to Cristy's tonight is probably the only thing I will definitely do today.  It's cold!

Internet Chat

It's a fascinating study of our humanity.

Most people are shallow and superficial, out there for what they can get.  Some of them are mean.  One woman was pushing me out of a room because she couldn't verify my gender.  That's just mean.

I confess there was a time in my life when I excluded men.  But I grew up and now I value men as human beings.

What's so wrong about talking to them?  Wars and genocide happen because of this kind of attitude towards our fellow humans.

This woman was afraid that I was only posing as a woman.  She wanted to see or hear me.

I don't know what the big deal was.  It's not like I was seeking cyber-sex.  I just wanted to be in the company of other lesbians and feel the comradery that I miss and long for.  That's the reason I won't exclude people simply for being one thing or another.  You have to really offend to win exclusion.

How do you prove your gender to some ornery stranger?  I relented and said I could find someplace where I'm wanted.  And then I left.  Her loss, and frankly I was glad to get away from her seething distrust and anger. They have pills for that, honey!

food

I have a strange diet.  I eat whatever I feel like... and lately my freak has been for raw spinach, grape tomatoes and tortilla chips. 

I go through phases.

finding love

Oh, help!

J

The last time I saw her there was a misunderstanding.  Something I said upset her, but what she thought she heard isn't what I said.  Add to it that she was tired and sick.  I maybe should have followed up and spoken to her at the main library, but I'm lazy and not the stalker type at all.  Besides as hideously uncomfortable as I as with it, I was embarrassed more.  I don't know why I should be.  I think it's all the pressure I put on myself.  It's just a shame though because she and I have much in common.  You'd think she'd realize that everything is good, we enjoy casual chat and suddenly I say something mean...  No, that's not how it goes.  It was just misheard.  Too bad.  I could use a friend like her.  So it goes.  She's very cool and I'd like to count her among my friends and even have ocassional hang-out privileges.  I'm not after her for a date, I just like her.  She's good people.

V

I miss her warmth and laughter.  I hold only happy memories of her in my heart.  I wish she knew that I honor and respect her. 

I long to write to her, but I fear anything I said would be held against me.

I don't know what she wanted, I just know that it wasn't me and for some reason she kept me hanging on, probably because I wanted it.  She's a giver.  She was good for me, mostly, and very good to me.

She is so graceful, witty, smart, beautiful, sexy.  Sure, she had some problems, but I was willing to be there for her, regardless.

All I can do is let time take it from me. I just wish it would hurry up!

Cristy

I'm always amused how much Cristy thinks I'm so smart.  I just remember a lot of stuff that I've heard... which is a paradox because I cannot cross a threshold without forgetting why I was crossing it in the first place.

 

starting a journal

This is my first entry.  I'd like to devote it to Josh Liller.  Great guy.  Gonna miss him when he goes back to work at the main library.

It's been raining all day and I am glad of it.  What yard there is surrounding the trailer I rent was brown and crispy. 

 I don't feel much like writing just now.