inner life (1)

This is my life.

I am resting on a very comfortably set-up air mattress in my living room.  The glow of my computer is my primary light source.

A small full-grown grey and black domestic short-haired cat rests near my head.

The only sound aside from Internet buddy sounds is the hum of traffic on a wet highway and the whirr of a pedestal fan in the other room.

My nights are like this.  I have friends I could visit, but I am not the type to make a nuisance of myself.  I have family I should visit more often.

People IM and the letters forming words here are swept into IM windows.  That's okay.  Reality calls me.  The teenage lesbian who introduced me to M writes often.  She's sort of a surrogate for my step-sister in college, who sometimes is wiser than I am.  My big sister experience and time teaching helps these relationships with younger people.  I understand boys better than girls.  I love going fishing with my step-brother.  I should call him and take him out to dinner sometime.

The people I work with who are my near equals seem to enjoy my humor and my light-hearted approach to customer service.  

I drive a white 1997 Saturn SL1 with over 130,000 miles on it.   I take good care of it and will keep it until it can't go any further.  I have a dream: 250,000... which may be unrealistic as they don't have to make parts for it after 2007, but a girl can dream.  In the words of Phranc, "It's not crazy for a girl to love her car...."

My home is cluttered with the refuse of my past life with my family.  I need to get rid of it.  I need freedom from it because I need to be able to blend my life with someone elses and the less STUFF, the better.

I screwed up a recent potential relationship with a nice woman by talking about my troubles of late with someone else.  What a mistake!  (Forgive me, B....B......?)

The truth is that I am no expert at hurting people.  I am also not good at getting rid of people.  For some reason they want to hang on, call, write, come over, get drunk and leave explicit messages on my father's answering machine.  I just need someone stable.  I don't care who she is or what she looks like.  If togetherness is like brain sex and the spark is there...  BAM!  Kick it up a notch! (Thanks, Emeril.)

Sometimes I have breakfast.  I usually eat dinner for lunch and then nibble when I get home.

I wish I used the following things I own more: my bicycle, my snazzy bowling ball and bowling shoes ( fun souvenirs of an old relationship), my canoe paddle (I gave away my canoe when I moved from my parent's house.), my Scrabble and Othello games.

I need to use these things more:  Florida's beaches.  The charm they tell me I possess.  Both at the same time couldn't hurt me any.

I'm finally writing for public viewing after some 22 years of goading.  Some tell me I should write a book but I can't make things up.

I live alone and only mind it when I can't seem to get things done and when I can't reach an itch.  I would like to try co-habitation.  First I have to find someone who I can get along with, someone assertive but not overbearing or bossy, someone who loves to snuggle.

My relationship with V was so very special to me.  I can't say anything more about it.   I don't count it as baggage.  I count it as a step in my learning process.

My father, married to a younger woman, misses me when I don't pay a regular call to his home.   Lately though, I can't drag myself into town, which is unfortunate because he is elderly (73) and has his own set of troubles and needs an ally in whom to confide.  I was the best "man" at his wedding, after all!

I like my primary job but am suffering under an interim manager who is driving all of us crazy by having a hand in EVERYTHING.  I am the only person with the cojones to face her toe-to-toe, but mostly I just give in.

My opinion is that we should not be ashamed to be alone.  I'm just as well off (maybe even more so) online as I am in a dreary bar.

I was recently delighted to get a message in this journal from a noted American artist and activist as well as from a very gifted and sweet drag queen.  Who knew this outpouring would get positive attention? 

At this writing, my counter says it's been looked at 800 times!  I think that is at least 3/4 more than I have looked here.  I wonder what all those people have thought and what their lives are like.