happily miserable or miserably happy?

I'm awake in the wee hours with the glare of the computer on my face.

I talked to my Em' last night and there is a chance that I won't get to see her this weekend. I took this news quietly like an adult but the child in me choked back tears.

That means that I will have to wait until the next time her children deign to spend the weekend with their dad. 

It also means I will have to find something else to do with my rare free Saturday.  Maybe something constructive like look for another job, or something kind, like visit my family.

It doesn't matter to Em' what happens, so I guess I should relax my heart some.  Maybe I should talk to her about an open relationship.  I am completely enamored but I need to be realistic this time!  When you lay down your heart, it's likely to get squished.

Would it be so wrong to go do things with the other people who ask for me? There are two other people who I have put off because of Em.  I want to be with her, but if she can't be with me, is there a point?

If Em' doesn't last, I don't know if I will let a woman with children into my life again.  I don't want to compete.  And I don't want to hide.

My girlfriends meet my friends and family.  I like my people to know who I'm going out with and why they don't see much of me.  Although... I don't see much of my family anymore anyway. I can't stand the bickering and bad feelings.

At least I know that i m not alone.  In J-land, there is good and bad.  njlittlebear is a real pistol but is down on his weight every time I look over at his journal.  judi is in one of the best relationships you ever read about but her heart is breaking every day from estrangement from her children.  Then you read most any journal that they feature in their links.  It's always something.

Is anybody truly happy?

I had just a glimpse this morning when my waking dream was that I needed a drink of water and the person who came into the kitchen and helped me out was Angelina Jolie.  I don't know who's kitchen we were in....  She just wordlessly pointed to a glass on the table then stood there watching me with her catty eyes.

Then I woke up and got some water.  If life was only "but a dream."

 

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