http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20050826144809990012
There will be no heaven for the one who started that rumor. But what evil genius to get them to kill themselves, to use their fear. The Iraqis are not enured to daily death. They still love and they still grieve.
I was out in the yard this morning, taking an ax to very dead and very hard orange tree limbs. I have forgotten how healthy it is to whack your cares away. My arms need exercise. Maybe that will fatten my forlorn blood vessels so I can give blood again soon.
I was out there, whacking away and thinking about France and how stupid enmity is.
Without the friendship of the Marquis de Lafayette, we would have had a much harder time fighting King George's men. And that is only the beginning.
The people of France pay more homage to our World War II heroes than we do!
There come a time in every friendship when there must be disagreement. Does that mean that the friendship has to end?
How selfish. A friend who doesn't follow you blindly is less of a friend? I don't believe that's right.
Sometimes you have to stand for what you believe no matter who it hurts.
In my family, we know the French to be friendly. And if you look back on our short 229 years as a country, you'll see that France has been beside us all along.
They have the right to say no, to keep their sons and daughters out of an unjust war. I guarantee you our congressmen aren't sending their kids. Why should we expect France to?
France is a pretty country, full of beauty. The people are nice, and leaner than us, too.
So there! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!
Get over yourself!
Viva la France!
... that Cristy absolutely hates.
There's another word that Cristy absolutely hates. And when the two words are used together she'd like to slap the person who verbalized them. But Cristy is not a violent person so she gives them a disgusted look and tells them not to say it again.
Janice, another co-worker/friend from the animal hospital loves tormenting Cristy. She'll look at Cristy with her freckled face and bright blue eyes and say the words like she means them. It's funny, actually.
Ah... I have a problem with one of these words myself. Unfortunately, it is a word that lesbians use often, It is a word they like to hear. (No double-entendre intended.)
The woman I'm seeing now likes me to use the word in a sentence of intent.
It's not a word I am comfortable with. It seems so silly to be caught up on a word.
I might just be that the word starts with my least favorite letter of the alphabet. I'm sure it goes back to some silly childhood thing.
Or it may be that I have heard the term used disrespectfully and am having trouble moving beyond that connotation.
But if I say something that makes my lover pull me tighter to her, I'm gonna have to get over it.
5160
lowest gas price today: $2.62 (Circle K)
lowest gas price three Saturdays ago: $2.49 (Hess)
Wednesday afternoon: $2.79
gas this coming Saturday: (I'll let you know)
Friday night: $2.99 and there was no gas.
Hey, is it me or have we changed from the gold standard to the crude oil standard?
Again in the grocery store this evening, the last man I kissed was sneaking up on me. This time he pulled his cap down over his eyes and was talking on his cellphone and walking towards me. This time I saw him. I put out my hand to stop him at chest level. He just laughed and handed me the phone so I could say Hello to his wife.
I chatted with her just a brief moment. Of course, she wanted to gossip. He rescued me by saying he didn't want his minutes used up. (Something Linda is very capable of!) It's so funny though. I have been away from these people for four years and yet it's like yesterday when I run into Gerald. He's a nice guy. He knows so much about me and yet he likes me, regardless.
I mused on this as I left the store. These people really are my friends. And I'm just now realizing it.
(Hope is their daughter.)
Those of you who blog, and those of you who wish to but are shy or make some other excuse, you have another option. You can make a journal that you can keep for yourself or share with only people whom you select.
I have a personal journal. I have only told one person about it. Other people seem to have found it, but no one comments. I could make it private but I wanted an outlet for the further truth of my emotions and thoughts that I feel inhibited from sharing... even though I am pretty darn open in this journal.
I see my friends who might journal more not do so because of what they will be thought of. If they could release their thoughts into a private forum, they might be happier.
Its good to clear your soul, and to be able to look back and see where you've come from.
So you haven't written or you wrote and then deleted?
Maybe it's time to do this just for yourself.
I am lucky to be away from the constant barrage of news. What I have seen of the devastation of Hurricane Katrina makes me heartsick.
I went to a mobile blood unit to give blood on Sunday, but they said that my veins have become to thin for donation. I don't know why this should be unless it has something to do with all the water I drink... and maybe the fact that I have become weak from staying inside and journaling all the time.
Many people are dead for many reasons; exposure, drowning, debris, lack of medication.... It is a tragedy that is more easily fathomed when you are farther from it. We thought what happened here was awful. It ain't nothing in comparison to what's happening in Louisiana and Mississippi now. The water didn't swallow our cars. Very few people died here.
I remember sending whatever food and some clothes and other goodies we hadn't opened to survivors of Hurricane Andrew.
I'm thinking I have some blankets that would be appreciated now. And some canned food.
After Frances and Jeanne, I was most grateful for simple things. Cans of tuna fish, Gatorade, peanut butter, cookies, fruit, can openers, a hand drill, soap, matches and charcoal. I was also lucky to be inside city limits. The supply of city water never stopped. Being able to be clean was such a good thing. I wouldn't have had water or power for more than two weeks had I been forced to stay alone.
Staying alone in a trailer would have probably given me a heart attack anyway. It was hard enough waiting out the storm in a solid concrete house with my family.
It was such a blessing afterwards when my aunt drove from Orlando to loan us her generator. Electric light is something you really miss. And even I, Queen of the Heat Monkeys, was grateful to be able to run fans to get air moving.
How miserable people must be now! Houses gone, friends and loves ones dead or missing, water everywhere. People waiting on rooftops for rescue. The dead waiting to be found.
What will they appreciate? Being warm and dry and not hungry or thirsty. Electricity. Hot food. Hot water. Having work to return to.
What will they dread? Wind. Rain. Red radar in the Atlantic.
I have heard tales of looters floating garbage cans full of booty. These people are the lowest.
I expected that of my teenage step-brother but instead he volunteered himself to clean debris for elderly strangers and refused money. He also cooked for the Red Cross. It made him feel good.
He reserves his thievery for more prosperous times. He takes things that are unattended. Yeah, he carries on his his father's footsteps, but he has some heart, too.
I am still red and wrinkled in the spot where I forgot to sunscreen myself after Hurricane Frances. If that is the least of my "scars" I'm blessed.
I am over fearing the weather. It's dealing with making it through the next one that is cause for concern.
Meanwhile, we have to help our brothers and sisters.
https://www.redcross.org/donate/donation-form.asp
http://www.networkforgood.org/topics/animal_environ/hurricanes/?source=YAHOO&cmpgn=NEWS
I never will forget how happy I was to get a lousy ham and cheese sandwich and an apple from a Red Cross truck. They offered me more than that. It was enough. I knew I'd be back with my family in the evening and we would find something to eat together.
I was also happy to have had my cats with me. I had Katie put to sleep between the storms because it was definitely time for her to go.
The SPCA relocated animals to Houston, Texas before Katrina arrived. Imagine what the animals that survived the storm are going through now. It's hard for animal care workers to divide themselves between the animals and their homes and families.
I was lucky to find food for my remaining cat before the second storm arrived. I was lucky to find someplace open that sold cat food. Ever since, I've always bought two to three weeks worth of food at a time. (It also cuts down on trips into town.)
I've digressed. How about sending those clothes that don't fit you anymore? That leftover box of MREs the Army Reserve gave you? Blankets you don't use anymore? Church groups, scout groups, grocery stores, civic groups... now is the time.
Next time, it might be you.
Will and Grace support Jack's sorry arse. He is free to frolic in the world. I need to be more free.
I'm trying to improve my lot by finding a better job but it is difficult! I want the time to go outside to play before I am to old to bend and truck.
I'd like it if my life-partner (the position is currently open) remembers when I could do lots of things....
I was going to begin the discrimination complaint process against one of my bosses today, but I am putting it off to wait and see what happens. I am afraid to do it, but I am ready to do it. I know that things may go even more poorly for me once I complain and I am ready for that.
I want to be able to travel to see people without having to worry about the price of gas or the effect of travel on my car.
For laughs, I brought the movie classic "Night of the Living Dead" over to Ramona's house for the weekend. When I told Ramona that I had it, she told me that Kelly, her oldest daughter can't stand the movie. It must be true because resting beneath Ramona's book on toilet-training cats is a book that someone must have gifted Kelly with called, "The Zombie Survival Guide." It's subtitle is "Complete Protection from the Living Dead."
The author is Max Brooks. The back cover says it is available as an ebook.
Well, it has been a long, long time since I watched this movie. The female lead must have gone to the same acting school as Burt Reynolds. I hate these weak characters.
I tell my straight women friends that they need to wear sensible shoes. Do they LISTEN? No.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to carry a flashlight, water, a blanket, a fire extinguisher and a first aid kit in your car. I also carry a tire pressure guage and a foot pump and well as a funnel, hand cleaner and jumper cables in my trunk. I also have spare leashes from the animal hospital, a hat, a rain jacket and sunscreen. Just about the only thing I don't stock and probably should is a Leatherman or Swiss Army Knife and some emergency rations. A small spade is also a handy thing.
What's one of the first thing that happens to Barbara after the first zombie kills her dorky brother? She loses her shoes. In reality her feet would be a bloody mess after running through the woods to escape the persistent dead man.
Then she proves to be stupid and not maybe of very sturdy stuff. Luckily a clever young man joins her in the house and has already figured out that you have to crush a zombie's head, or lop off it's head altogether, to get it to stop.
But if I've said it once, I've said it a million times: DO NOT GO UPSTAIRS. Will you people please trust me on this one? Unless you know there is something essential upstairs, like a bathtub full of water you can drink, or a rope ladder, keep your sorry self downstairs where you can get outside and away when you get the chance.
Barbara starts upstairs only to find a decaying corpse that, oddly enough, is still bleeding. Eeeeewwwwwwwwww! Grrrooosssss!
She doesn't react much or talk to the young man who is her means of salvation, but when she does, she freaks out. Well, she lost my respect when she didn't help her brother fight the first zombie. But she finally starts to wise up and helps the young man nail things to the windows and doors.
(disgusted sigh)
Carry a flashlight and sneakers when you travel. Is that asking too much of you?
5111
I was especially honored to get a journal comment from Virginia today.
Yes, Virginia, I know you're only human. Fortunately, whatever your foibles and flaws, you give a lot of love to those around you.
I have come to realize that there are plenty of things that Judi doesn't say and I understand her reasons for discretion.
Still, I would be lucky to have someone as kind-hearted, tender, understanding and ROMANTIC as you in my life... who was actually free to shine that all on me.
The woman I'm seeing now rags me something awful about the oddest things, like the way I pronounce "absurd" and for not asking her to call me back because she has unlimited long-distance.
I need to be free to love someone with a little bit of wreckless abandon and have them allow me that. I want someone who can love me in spite of their pet peevs that I may happen to personify from time-to-time.
I need someone who doesn't mind going outside of their house, who doesn't mind doing something besides eating and, well, you know....
Virginia, I realize that you have your own "thang," but damn me if you aren't pretty much a blessing... to Judi, and to this growing human extension of the written and painted grace of you both, as well as to the people who already personally know and love/appreciate you.
Peace!
Jean
Yesterday at work, when I went out to get the bookdrop, I saw that an older man had stalled in the parking lot, in the flow of traffic.
As I got closer, I saw that he was riding on a donut tire that was shot and he was actually down to his rim.
A car was approaching and I waved at the man driving to stop because my little guy was trying to move his car which sometimes wouldn't even start. He got it started but the man I tried to stop whizzed past me and the man, causing him to stall.
He started up again and I told him I'd give him a push. This time I made a more assertive sign to the next car and the woman did stop and wait for me to push the car to a safer place in the parking lanes.
That was when one of the men who veritably live in the library came over and asked what was happening and offered his opinion about the state of the car. I told him about the man who almost ran us both down and he quoted this, "The masses are asses."
Satisified that his opinion had been given, he went inside the library.
Having gotten the old fellow and his car out of traffic, I went back to my work.
He was still there, sitting in his car, when I came back from lunch so I took him a bottle of cold water I keep in the refrigerator for guests (or people who need it.)
I took him another bottle of water about two hours later when there was finally a moment to do so. (We'd been closed for a day and a half and it was insane inside with only three of us working.)
He sat in the heat in his car until the day was almost over. When we left, he was gone, but his car was still there. In the small patch of shade... in the lane of traffic, where he had moved it after I pushed him into the parking slots.
I wonder, in this tiny "village" full of churches, if anyone else ever stopped to talk to him.
I didn't start out to talk about the little guy in the parking lot. I wanted to talk about how inconsiderate, ignorant and rude people can be to our fellow man, especially behind the wheel.. I also wanted to say a word about how nice it is when someone is kind. However, I am tired this morning. And you already know about rudeness.
It's funny though. I rarely ever find people rude in person. Put them in a car though, a 2000-or-more pound death machine and it's "F*** you, World!" "I don't have to stop for lights or signs. I can side-swipe a pedestrian. I'm more important! I am in a hurry to get where I'm going because I want to be there already!"
These are the same people that talk on their cell phones in the library, in restaurants, in church. These are the same people that let their kids run and scream and climb on things in public places.
These are the same people who, though very nice when I talk to them, step in front of a single line to get to the other check-out station that the lat person from the single line has just left while three other people turn to look at each other.
These people's kids are the ones that fill the personal space of someone they do not know who is checking out books, or who wait at the far end of the desk instead of walking in front of the check-out line where we can actually see that they want something.
When I was in fourth grade, we had telephone etiquette lessons in class. Why don't they do that anymore?
When I was in sixth grade, our Math teacher taught us how to write out checks and record deposits and withdrawals in the register.
Somehow along the way I was taught that following rules that are within reason is moral, fair and kind. I was also taught to question authority when appropriate. I was taught that the law can bend. I was taught that curtain of rules can be lifted with kindness to help people out. And I was taught that one side of a story is just one side of a story.
I also learned that people are both cruel and kind and sometimes being hard is the best thing you can do for someone's welfare. (You know, like that song: "You've got to be cruel to be kind, in the right measure....")
But I have hope. People have always complained, always said that society is getting worse and that their time was better. In Ancient Rome, someone once wrote how they admired the wall when it was forced to stand under the weight of so much graffiti.
Everything old is new again. We're all the same. When we're not being selfishly-bad, we're good.
Last night, at Cristy's, just to be a wiseacre and make my friends look at me funny, I smoked two cigarettes.
This morning I found myself trembling and edgy and headachy and lusting for caffeine and sex.
That's just bad news. Don't ever start if you haven't yet. Don't even do it for a lark.
I can't wait until these feelings go away. I think it will take a few days.
Learn With Every Goodbye
Unknown
(also seen credited as Comes the Dawn by Veronica A. Shorffstall )
After a while, you learn the subtle difference
and between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
And after a while, you learn That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
and learn...
With every goodbye, you learn.
...if only you knew what i was thinking
I am house-sitting tonight at Ramona's, writing to you from the very computer where she composes her fabulous ideas. There is the infamous "How to Toilet Train Your Cat" book on the shelf above me.
But I am not here to write about this very nice home or the wonderful family that lives in it.
Tonight I am writing about some guys I saw tonight. Guys in electric company trucks from North Carolina entering the highway from a restaurant/gas stop and caravaning to the I-95 interchange to go to Dade and Broward counties. (Yes, there may be women on these crews but for the most part it's men who come with wire and tools to reconnect us to the world.)
I beeped like a yahoo. I let them know about my appreciation.
They left their loved ones after Hurricanes Frances and Jeanne and stayed forever to give us back our lives. Now they are here again so little kids can have fresh cold milk and old people can leave the shelter and go home to pets they haven't seen for two days.
These men's wives, lovers and children are doing without them so Broward County school teachers can have hot showers Monday morning and the local power company co-workers can go home to cold beer. Parents can feed warm eggs to their kids before school again.
These are luxuries we have come to think that we cannot live without. They are not God-given rights but they are something we are spoiled to.
Some people deserve everything you can give them in the way of appreciation, even if it's just a passing "honk-honk-honk."
Tomorrow I go back to work and back to normal. Just south of here, that's a gift that's on it's way to someone with a leaky roof and no electricity.
Thanks.
Other people's grieving is on my mind today. However, I am in a selfish mood.
I think about Em. I put off two other women to be with her. I've lost track of the third one, the little cutie from Belize. But the other two, are still out there, and still seek me online from time-to-time. I'm glad they are there because I've never been so unsure before.
I burn and yet... I don't see "what I want" coming to me. "What I want" is always what I hear from my dates, my girlfriends. It's time that I asserted it for myself.
I want a woman to share my life with. Someone who can freely be with me. Someone who isn't in hiding from everyone. Someone who tells the truth. Someone who shows up when she says she will or let's me know why not before I am expecting her. Someone who likes touching me as much as she likes my touch. I want someone to cook with and to have verbal sparring with and to do passionate things with. I want someone to wake up with. (There's something so special about morning.)
I think, in short, I am looking for a clone of or someone very much like Virginia. But I am thinking they broke the mold on that one.
It's gonna take a long. long time to "win" Em. She has so much going on and I don't get to be part of her family until I somehow earn it. It's hard enough being so far away. Add to it that I can only be with her once or twice a month, if I'm lucky....
I ought to ask her for an open relationship. I ought to date other women. I can't bring myself to do it, though. I love tormenting her too much. She loves teasing me.
I can't help but think that I'm letting myself be used again. I'm getting enjoyed until something comes up.
She pushed me away once. If it happens again, I'm gone. I learned from the previous disaster. I won't mistreat my heart like that again.
But maybe I will ask her what her intentions are.
5055
You can only play some many games. I am not in the mood to watch a DVD. I know what I'd like to be doing since it's yucky, windy and wet outside, but I am home alone. I have plenty of books to read. Just not in the mood. I guess I could get started doing something and maybe I'd get into it.
I tried reading a J.D. Robb book during Hurricane Frances. It was such formulated swill I couldn't read it. Even though I tried very hard, the continuous wind and trees scraping the house were too distracting.
There is a value to mindless books. The value is in their very mindlessness. I know very bright people who read them because something interesting would keep them up all night. And what working mother doesn't need to be transported lakeside to watch Lex and Janie get it on in the boathouse? Hm?
I might be gay, but I understand these things.
Whatever quickens the pulse.
At the same time, something that engages the brain, that you don't want to put down, that you read on your lunch hour and every spare chance you get... that's good stuff, too.
We are always asked if we've read books that are brought up to the desk. (As if I had the time!) Not usually, but I do appreciate hearing other people's opinions so I can say, "Well, no... but I have heard...."
Now if I was a speed-reader I could knock of a few dozen tonight and tomorrow and be a better library worker for it. I pay enough attention to our patrons to learn what's what from them.
I can help you scope out your genre. Comedic mysteries? Fluffy romance? Intrigue? Blood and guts? Cats as a major character in a murder mystery? Murder with recipes? Christian fiction? Something deliciously unusual? I got ya' covered.
Alexander McCall Smith
Sue Monk Kidd
Bryce Courtenay "The Power of One"
Alice Sebold
Jhumpa Lahiri
Khaled Hosseini
Dan Brown
Ken Follett
Nicholas Sparks
James Patterson's more touchy-feely stuff
Washington Irving
And you? What do you recommend? What have you read and enjoyed?
Additional Scoring Information:Sorry, you lost 1 point because you are using
a Windows machine. Your environment is:
Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; AOL 9.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322)
http://www.mcphee.com/goodies/nerd.html
Paper Chase (Jimmy Webb) Yes... also an Art Garfunkel tune.
You can’t erase the Paper Chase
She’ll make you play it
In the bright merry morning
She’ll run and hide
And leave you the paper promises
Behind her as she runs across the square
You can’t win the race, She’ll set the pace
You will hear her laughing
Just behind the foolish fences
Throw back the gate and find the
Piece of paper lying on the curbstone,
But the lady won't be there.
Later in the day,
You’ll be searching for a way
To let her know you’re ready
For her little game to end
Cause it’s getting dark, and then-
You’ll see her face, a glimpse of lace
And you’ll go running
Through the last sweet dying daydream
Calling her name, but she’s been home an hour,
Laughing at the mirror
As she combs her paper hair.
A friend I love is grieving several recent losses in her family. She wrote about it and how important it is to not delay visiting people you love, to not wait, to put some of your stuff aside because you never know when someone will be taken from your life.
But she was being made to feel bad about her pain. I say grieve fully and damn anyone who denies you this necessary process. If you have to leave your work station and go somewhere to bawl your eyes out, then that is what is required. Anyone who doesn't understand or gives you a hard time is an unsympathetic lout.
Their time is coming, too. It is inevitable. Forget about their behavior and let yourself work through it.
And aside from all that, be warned that life is fleeting and death stalks us all. Tell your loved ones you love them today.
Make whatever amends you can with someone who is being stubborn, no matter who's right. Be bigger. Let them think you gave in first. So what! In the overall scheme of your existence, what of it?!
Bring your flowers to those who can smell them.
So the library closed today at noon and won't open again until Saturday. I certainly hope that it opens Saturday. I don't get paid for these off days. (curses)
The panic is still present but not as bad as last night. People were still pouring into the parking lot as we left for home. I could hear cries of chagrin at the doors as we exited the building.
It's nice to be loved.
You never know a blessing in disguise until it wakes you up. When I got home, I noticed the smell of hot iron and olive oil and felt that it was warmer than it should be.
I knew some day I would run out without turning off the double burner. Today was the day. I got home probably just before one. I would have been on the desk if this day had gone the way it was laid out. I was home early today because of the coming storm.
The damage appears minimal. My iron griddle pan was formed in hell-hot fires. I reckon it will be okay. I scraped the strange melange of burnt oil and metal off and gave the pan another drink of olive oil, which it thirstily took. Later tonight, I'll clean it and count another blessing, courtesy of old-fashioned cookware. I'll have to check the burner. I'll be bummed if I can't cook my eggs tomorrow.
I am not in the mood, with a gas panic going on, to travel into town if it isn't necessary. Gas prices, gratefully, haven't really risen. However gas itself may be scarce today and tomorrow and possibly into the weekend.
Fortunately for me, I am a freak about keeping the tank full. I rarely ever get below 3/4ths, let alone a half. I only go to a fourth when I have a reason to, for instance... say... I wanted to add some Techron.... (I do believe what Chevron says about this stuff.) Anyway, I filled up Tuesday. I'm good. And if Ramona cancels her vacation because of the storm, I will be staying put unless they call for trailer evacuations here. Then I have a choice of places to stay (I think that Cristy and her husband would take me in. Ramona has already asked me to come over anyway.), but I will probably go to Dad's if it comes to it.
Otherwise, as long as there is electricity, I have DVDS and the computer and books. And even if there is no power, I can read or write ideas for other journal entries.
DVDs for watching in the next few days include:
Night of the Living Dead (I like old-fashioned schlock.)
House of Flying Daggers (I enjoy some chop-socky.)
Kabbi Khushi Kabhie Gham... (I like foreign films usually. Bollywood productions are fun... but I don't think this is one. I hpoe it is, though.)
Then for some reason, I have picked up DVDs on art including: The Shock of the New, Odyssey into the Mind's Eye, Strand and Lascaux. Should I blame it on Judi?
Yesterday people were already starting to panic. There were lines at the gas stations and more people than usual at the grocery store. (I was there for cookies and rice milk. Comfort food.) Big, dark clouds hovered low in the sky and I was ready for heavy rain. I doubt that it rained at all last night. If it did, it wasn't enough to be heard over the table fan that throws oscillated breezes over my sleeping arrangements. I say bring it on. It has been so hot that I, the always-cold kid, have been running the a/c and putting the sun shade in the car window.
I used to love getting into my car after being in a/c for hours. Now I regret that I live too close to work to get the car cold before I get home. I am so glad that I got new bearings in my a/c clutch assembly earlier this year. My car is probably the main reason I owe almost as much as I make each year.
When the weather gets cooler, I am definitely going to contemplate bicycling to work. Except crossing US 1 is a scary proposition because this town is, for many who drive our roads every day, just a nuisance making their trek to and from work longer. Folks don't seem to care about the whole place being a construction zone. The still want to do 60 (or more) in the 45.
Our amoral society never took philosophy. Even if nobody is coming in any direction, you should still stop at stop signs. There are other things that you can cheat at. When you captain 2000 pounds (or more) of death, you ought to be considerate of your fellow man and play by the rules. There are still stoplights ahead. The tortoise and the hare applies. The anxiously inconsiderate soul who rides your bumper and then cuts closely in front of you for spite will just be right in front of you at the stop light.
And when I roll up and slide on through the light while he has to gun to get chugging again I think about how much gas I saved and how much he wasted in his oversized SUV. These are the people that are always in a big hurry. Probably fleeing from a gas station drive-off. I love my little car.
But I started off talking about the coming storm, Katrina. I refuse to panic.
I am house-sitting this weekend. The only thing that might change is whether I take my cat with me or not. I am not afraid of hurricanes. I am more afraid of being shut-in with my family for a week again. Tornadoes, though, are quite another story.
The truth is that people with any brains have been preparing for this eventuality since the last "big one." My step-mom has a bookcase in the laundry room filled with flashlights, food, Gatorade.
I own about five flashlights now. Two of which are hand-cranked. When your house is boarded up and dark all day long,and you're there for a week and then confined mostly to home afterward because of the conditions outside, batteries run out quickly.
People who have hurricane windows or clear shutters are fortunate people indeed. The absence of light is the absence of happiness.
I'm not concerned about the storm. I am concerned about what it will mean, wherever it hits. My new lover has no insurance on her townhouse. Fun, fun, fun.
I think about last year and how hard it was for people I care about who work for a local health department. They could well do without going through that again. They were really traumatized. And the buttheads who run that county want to build the new hurricane shelter on an island. They are freaking crazy.
Alas.
It hasn't been my choice but all of the women that I have dated in the past five years (when I started dating again) have been, in a word, overweight.
I myself could stand to lose up to 40 pounds, but I don't really see myself as being too overweight. I have dated women weighing in excess of 200 pounds and even one who weighed more than 300. But she is very tall, very smart, very pretty. The thing is that when you meet people online and you do not care to ask for a physical description you get what you get.
I am not complaining. I have enjoyed being with these women for who they were. My only complaint is that they worry about crushing me so they never hop on top.
I was gone on V long before I ever saw her. And when I did see her, I was just happy to finally meet her. It's funny now, that she was so nervous about meeting me.
If adoring somebody one-sidedly were all it took, we would still be together. I was willing to help her through anything.
I am happy to be thinking about her less-and-less, and to realize that the crushing heartache was a blessing in disguise.
The women I hang out with are mostly big girls, though they all seem to be slimming down this year. I was admiring the svelte lines to the Cursors legs the other weekend....
It is just curious that these are the kind of people I attract. Someone I was talking to (I forget who) said that there might be something to it. I don't know what, but there must be something about the personality type that draws me and is drawn to me.
It so happens though, that I wouldn't at all mind someone slimmer and more lithe. Someone who can wrap around me the way... oops... Gotta watch what we say here. (CENSORED)
Anyone have any thoughts, opinions, revelatory remarks, psychological insight?
My journal counter said 5003 at last look. Whoopee!
And my trusty Saturn is coming close to 135000 miles under it's belts.
My Dad is 75.
And my friendship with Relentlessly Blinking Cursor turns eight this year.
My cat is 8. (I thought she was older when I got her, but it turns out I was off by four years. And she's been eating senior cat food all this time. That's okay, it's better for her digestive tract. Too much protein is quite bad for kitties.)
I'm gonna be 40 before I know it.
Life is good.
So who do you talk to about bonding and insurance when you start a legitimate business? (I guess I better take advantage of working at the library and find out.)
I have been awake since probably just before 1.
I went to bed very early. I came home, chatted with my Dad by phone, finished watching a movie, undressed and fell asleep. In between there was paying attention to the cat and eating ice cream.
Yesterday was just another day. Today I have missions to accomplish.
My step-mom is having a proclamation made by the county commission in honor of women's right to vote this morning.
There is a a large piece of copper from their shower floor for me to take to the recycling yard.
I have to find Ramona to get a key and instructions for house-sitting this weekend.
Funny thing about this weekend... before Em came along I had plans to get together with someone. Now it looks like I might be spending the time alone. That's okay, I guess, but it makes me sad.
Cristy should be back from Nebraska today. I hope she's okay.
And I have to go to the bank to put in some checks from various sources. They add up to about $100. That might not be a lot to you but to me that's the power and telephone bills with some to spare. Although its been so hot this month that my power bill is up by more than twice as much.
I feel like I need a new distraction in my life. What that should be, however, I don't know yet.
I talked to a friend about starting a pet/house-sitting service. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. The joke of trying to find a good-paying job when you are older and not cute... forget about it.
I am not tall, lanky, smooth-skinned or terribly feminine. My teeth are not $500 white. Some days my hair makes a statement all it's own. I know what they're buying. I do not reek of that magic juice even when I try. The best I can do is wear pink shirts and envision a cocky kind of confidence for the interview.
But here's a new chance. I can hire myself.
I know two Columbians who teach Spanish. I made the mistake of mentioning it to one of the library patrons and now she wants one of them to immerse her in it so she'll be ready to survive when she rents a house in Mexico. That means I have to find the Columbians. They are both library patrons but they are both scarce.
I can e-mail my buddy Carlos, but I have to do a little more to "get a hold" of Gloria. Shecleans houses AND teaches through the local Borders bookstore. The problem is that information about library patrons is absolutely private. I can't share names, or any information.
Our branch manager puts it this way in the back room: We love ya', but not that much! (Not enough to go to jail for it.)
There are so many actual tasks to accomplish today that I'm going to have to make a list. If I had my choice, I'd be doing next to nothing and staying home.
So I set up that new tent in the backyard this morning. It's ok. It has two windows in the roof that do not have covers. Definitely not four-season except for hearty people and Floridians. My old tent is still viable but I wanted back-up.
Now I realize that I will need something warm to sleep in when I use that tent.
I set that tent up easily by myself. I would have been a professional outdoorswoman if my life had followed the course I was setting it on. It's only natural that I had no trouble. But when I took it down, I realized that fitting it back into the cute little zip-up tote that it came in is next to impossible. They must have a machine that rolls that darn things up and boxes them. Let's see if we can find a 30" stuff sack today. I suppose I could take it back outside and attempt to roll it tighter... but I perspireed enough this morning to warrant staying cool inside the rest of the day.
So much for would-have-been.
My step-sister is heading back to college with my step-mom and father taking a van up with the rest of her things. This year she has an apartment so a lot more things have gone with her, including her cat.
I'm going to head over there to watch the dogs and inhibit orgies hosted by my step-brother. It'll be nice because they have clean water, a bathtub and a dryer to go with their washer. That's real luxury to me.
I was packing up to go but Dad called about 11:30 to say they were leaving just then. A late start; typical because my step-mother is incredibly anxious at the start of journeys.... And I thought I was bad. At least I always leave on time.
I got the rest of my Halloween costume a few days ago. It's been fun. But I can't reveal what it is because people I want to surprise are readers of this blurb.
I want to surprise my friends and then go out and cut up incognito at the fabled bar which I have described in previous entries.
I need some make-up though. I need to change the shade of the skin on my face, otherwise my eyes will look peculiar.
I haven't dressed for Halloween since I was a little kid. I don't know why I am in the spirit now. I'm either making up for lost time or having a mid-life crisis.
It's not the equivalent of a sports car when you start to go bald. I am getting some loving from time-to-time. I don'thave anything to prove. Maybe just the idea that it is such a big deal at Cristy's is infectious. It's not the worst thing... except that I could have used that money for, oh... I don't know... food, the power bill, gasoline....
Sometimes though, you gotta just be wild. Throw caution to the wind. Spend some money you could use for reality on frivolity. Live life like you weren't afraid. Love your friends like there's no tomorrow.
Blow big bucks on a costume you'll probably only wear once. I can loan it to someone else next year.
I was thinking, today, about all of the cool things they sell in hardware stores these days. Canvas cellphone holsters, giant carabiners with hand grips for toting big stuff.... (When I first saw one last year, I responded, "Damn, why didn't I think of that?"
Okay, no point to that, I was just thinking.
Several days ago, I bought a new tent. I couldn't help myself. I thought of it as a hurricane supply. I have a tent. An Eureka! A-frame that I bought when I was at college some ((cough)) 21 years ago. This new tent is a four-person Coleman tent. I saw it at BJs and it spoke to me. It said, "I am only 37 dollars and your trusty old tent is OLD." It's big. I haven't set it up yet, but I will. I've been wanting to go camping. I haven't been camping since we spent Thanksgiving on the Seminole reservation. I guess that's two or three years ago now. I made sure to load up my camping gear when I fled the trailer for Hurricanes Frances and Jeanne. Well, now I'm ready... for camping. For sheltering other people. For whatever use a big ol' tent might satisfy.
At work, I google my journal and I am starting to find it and links to Judi and other journal on strange web pages. How do they get there? Why are they there? Do I have some underground following? What's up with that?
Now I fully understand that what is found on the internet is subject to free and open harvest but I wish these folks would tell you what they're doing and why.
I'm thinking about my pal, Cristy. Her grandmother died just shy of a birthday. The family had plans for a big reunion surprise birthday. Cristy's grandmother had never met Cristy's beautiful, precocious daughter. Now she has to wait a little longer, but she can see her.
Today was an unusual days. I am pretty sure that I ate from all of the food groups today. I had eggs, orange juice, bread, spinach, lettuce, grape tomatoes, tuna fish, peaches, cheese, grapes, two vanilla wafers, chicken, corn chips and noodle salad. It was such a treat to eat a lot of different things. I usually only eat twice a day and its usually eggs, toast, juice and a frozen dinner for lunch. (And my current food freak is Edy's Cherry Chocolate Chip ice cream... but Publix was out today. Imagine my chagrin! I couldn't choose a substitute. My heart was mildly broken. I do have vanilla in the fridge, and orange blossom honey to dribble over it.) Today I answered the cry for fresh raw vegetables, protein and carbohydrates. It was a good day. I got the cheese and grapes from Maureen... I went to the grocery store on the lunch hour and brought her potato chips that she was craving. She shared her cheese and grapes. I shared my grape tomatoes.
I come home for lunch 99.9% of the time, but yesterday it was so hot here at home... and when I got back to the library after nearly getting taken out by a car speeding through the construction zone, I didn't want to get back out on the road.
4973
You know that rhyme... As I was going to St. Ives...
The answer is one but what is the answer to how many life forms did you meet.
Know what I'm talking about?
As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
each wife had seven sacks,
each sack had seven cats,
each cat had seven kits.
How many were going to St. Ives?
I've never been too good at math. What's your answer?
I don't wrap my emotions around horrifying things. When I read the book, "The Lovely Bones," I saw a great, fresh story that had never been done before to my knowledge. Most of the people I talked to commented on how horrible the death was. They weren't able to see beyond it.
I watched "amoresperros" this weekend. The common thread in the picture is the characters relationships to dogs. Some of the dogs are bloodied and killed. I am as big of an animal lover as anyone else, but the film is quite well-made. I knew that they scenes were "faked." Ordinarily animal injury and death would be very upsetting but there is more to the story and I am happy to be able to look beyond things that seem to stop other people.
I have to wonder if staying away from the daily bombardment of real-life horror we get from the news has something to do with my perception. I know that the book and the movie, though intense, were not real.
I have to wonder about other people who can numbly sit and do nothing about war, gas prices, discrimination and other real problems but get all beklempt about fictional rape and murder and dogfights.
What am I doing about those other things?
Well, I didn't vote for George W. Bush either time. I am pulling out my bicycle to ride to work. And I am looking into making a complaint against my employer.
And by the way, I support the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) every month. I don't make a big squawk. I just do what I can about things that are real.
New M&M colors
Pass this on to all of your friends. There are many women out there who have breast cancer. Lets do all we can to support this cause.
New Pink & White M&M's
The maker of M&M candies has teamed up with the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation to raise funds through the sale of their new "pink & white" M&M candies.
For each 8-ounce bag of the special candies sold, the makers of M&M (Masterfoods) will donate 50 cents to the foundation. The next time you want a treat, please pick up a bag (now sold in stores nationwide) - you will be donating to a great cause and satisfying your sweet tooth. Just think...If each of us buy one bag or two....how much will be donated. Buy a bag for a friend...........
Please pass on to all your family and friends. -- Thank you.
*Or you could just donate money.... Virage65
One of the lessons of "Because of Winn-Dixie" is that you have to love what you've got while you've got it.
It was a good chaser to "amoresperros" today.
Needed some happy healthy dog action.
4928
With the window a/c and fan going it's still 90 inside my trailer. Better to relax. It is hot, but if it's good enough for my cat it's good enough for me.
I've been wanting to write about my latest visit to Em and I will.
I was happy today to chat with JH, a fellow blogger and someone really special in the world. It's good to share with a relative stranger and know that she isn't going to expect anything else except the sharing of ideas from time to time.
Almost everyone else wants something fom you, whether they ask it or not.
OK, I guess I'll get to it.
I waited what seemed like forever on Saturday to hear from Em.
She finally called and told me that she had been in the hospital. After having kidney stones removed, she is now having pain associated, perhaps, with her liver. That really sucks.
I travelled to her, having purchased a Sunpass transponder early that morning. By the time I finally got to the turnpike to go to her, it was fired up.
The Sunpass is a plastic box that makes automatic toll payments (and also pays parking fees at some airports) via radio waves when you travel in Florida. That way you don't have to stop and dig for change. The little box is $25, and then you have to pay a set amount of your own choosing to get it ready for charges. (You can go on the SunPass website and give your transponder a friendly name, like "Fred.") I haven't named mine.
I got there and we talked and decided what to have for dinner. I went downstairs and washed her dishes by hand.
The next morning I got up and started doing laundry. I fed her again and she mostly stayed in her room in the dark. She did get up to go meet her ex to exchange some items... gifts for her older son, for one.
I played with her dog and moved laundry while she was gone.
She came back and we ate again and when I got the laundry down to one load to go and one in the dryer, I decided it was time to leave.
It took me an extra half-hour to get home because I meandered, stopping by Terry's house in Lake Worth to drop off a Kerry campaign pin that I acquired for Melissa's mom last year but had never delivered.
There is so much road construction going on that you have to sail out of your way to get back on the turnpike in some places... which seemed to be all the places I chose. lol
Instead of going home, I went to Cristy's for Sunday night couch-sitting/TV-viewing.
What am I leaving out? Yes, I cuddled her, too. I stroked her face and pulled her hair and kissed her lips and her brow. I softly spoke "I love you" to her in Hebrew, German and Spanish. She said she didn't know what I was saying but she pulled me closer.
She became feverish on Sunday but she isn't allowed to take medications because of the condition of her liver. She probably took something anyhow.
I don't know when I'll get to see her again. It might not be until next month.
You know, I can almost see how it's gonna go.
I meet this great woman. We're compatible. Speaking for myself, I love her company, her wit, her vivacity, her voice, her hands, her dark, expressive eyes.
And here is this big thing looming over us. She's sick. Maybe very seriously.
She's either going to allow me to love all of her or she's going to say it isn't fair to put me through it and push me away.
But I wrote her this morning and I said that I believe in that people are in our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime....
I'm waiting to see what it is with her. And with the visits being far between timewise, it could take a while to find out.
But when she's ready to talk on the phone, it can be hours and hours. I can sleep some other time. Her voice slips down my ears and coats my heart inside.
4922-23
A quote from Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, the director of the film "amoresperros" (Love is dogs or translated properly, "Love's a bitch."
"Only those who live love intensely and fully can survive the vulgarity of existence."
Not so long ago I was talking to my friend Kim on the phone. Because I work in a library, she asked me if I thought that old-fashioned paper books would become obsolete. I told her that I didn't really think so because they are too convenient.
Many of them fit easily in a pocket or handbag. They provide a sensory experience, the breezy flipping of pages, the smell of paper, ink and glue, the feel of something solid which also holds ideas.
They provide the bearer with the right to have airs about their intellect or attitude. They become a device for isolation or, alternately, a topic for conversation.
They don't require electricity. All you need is some light to read by. You can stop and mark your place and find it again without much ado. You can read almost anywhere (...though I wish people would stop reading while they drive! The library has audiobooks for you!)
You can take books to the beach or the doctor's office. (Judging by the sand we hear shifting within the plastic covers, many people like to read outside.)
Yeah, e-books may be an up-and-coming idea, but do you really want to lug your computer to the beach? I don't think you'd be happy if you got sand in it. Sometimes it's good to be free of all the trappings of modern progress and technology.
Imagine falling asleep reading a paperback novel versus falling asleep with your computer. Sleeping with your computer could be hazardous to both of you!
For all our advances, it is my opinion that paper will not soon fade. As paper becomes a less common means of communication though, the less naturally resoucres we will find it necessary to use up. There's already plenty of paper for recycling....
Where was I?
Oh, yeah... so the work day ends and I decide to go directly to Cristy's (aka relentlessly blinking cursor WHO BY THE WAY HAS NOT JOURNALED IN QUITE A WHILE... <<poke poke>>)
So I went and found Geoff there, but no Barry or Sandy :o< Lisa showed up and after two other friends showed up, we lit out for West Palm Beach.
The activity in the car was primarily Cristy fussing at Derek to change the radio station to find something she could sing along to.
We arrived at the amphitheatre where Geoff has reserved parking :O And slipped in through the VIP area. Fa-fa-fah. Harumph.
We made our way to the box to find Geoff's boss' daughter and her friend, and Geoff's cedar cooler full of libation.
EWF played first by toss of the coin. It's pretty obvious that Earth, Wind and Fire and Chicago are close friends and have been so for ages.
The concert was very good. I enjoyed watching women dressed for summer dancing at their seats.
Nothing remarkable happened. Experienced entertainers played their hearts out to an appreciative crowd. It was much fun.
Then we left and headed out before the concert's end and it was decided that we would stop for breakfast at midnight. I borrowed Cristy's cell phone to call my girl, Em.
Unfortunately, I woke her up... but that's what she gets for telling me to call her whenever I get in. I wasn't yet home but didn't want to call her any later than it already was.
We ate, and laughed at Geoff, who was definitely drunk. We moved outside while Derek paid the bill. At that point, Em called back. Cristy answered and Em was confused about who she was talking to. She said that Cristy and I sound alike. So Em got passed around and said Hello to my friends and we talked some.
Then when we were getting in the car, I made the mistake of passing the phone to Geoff. Geoff is a rascally scalawag. But what do you expect from a young (He's... what? 28?), cute, single, well-paid young man. Bubba has a BMW and a Rolex.
So Geoff got the phone and as we found our way onto I-95, he asked my new lover things I couldn't believe. It was an interrogation. Her age, her weight, her hair color, what brand of cigarettes she smokes... the boy is too much. And Derek was sitting between us while I poked, pinched, pulled and grabbed at Geoff to try and get my girlfriend back from him.
Finally, by the time we got to the offramp to home, he hands my baby to me. I apologized and I could see her eyes rolling at his sheer crust.
I love my friends but they need to not bother my sweetheart. Geoff actually did invite my Em over for "Pizza Night," the traditional Friday night gathering at Derek and Cristy's. But I think we need to wait until my place is presentable. I need to have a place for Em to sleep if she ends up needing to stay over. My comfy single air mattress on the floor suits me, but not all women are campers and honestly, if I shared this humble pallet, someone would likely fall off....
So that was my day and my night.
I wonder what today will hold.
Yeah, my crazy friends and I had a good time last night at the Earth, Wind & Fire/Chicago concert.
But that was at the end of an interesting day.
My day began by going to the main library for a class on the circulation software that we use. There were really only two of us in the class, but two others sat in, including my buddy Josh, who inspired me to blog in the first place.
My pal Maureen (from my branch) was there, too. It was a nice change from the morning routine.
I got to work and after we opened, someone came in to tell us that one of our seasonal volunteers had died at her home in Seattle. We were stunned. I was out shelving and I got weak in the knees and sort of sick. I had to stop and sit down and then I actually had to go outside and cry.
Betty was a tiny, vital little lady. She was always polite and respectful to everyone and she was very smart, very sharp. The idea of never seeing her again just sent me into a mild kind of shock.
I gathered myself, somewhat, and returned a call from the recruiter at the county hospital. I had applied for a clerk's position but was not chosen, but Thursday my recruiter, Evette, had left a message on my answering machine saying that another position was opening up and she wanted to submit my application for it.
(You gotta love it when they call you!)
So I finally contacted her via the phone in the workroom at the library. It may have been a brazen and naughty thing to do, but I didn't care. We are entitled to breaks which I never take and after the way the upline has treated me at the library, I figured it was a subtle protest.
I love my co-workers and the library patrons but a girl needs to support herself and if her employer is less than supportive, she needs to find other options... and find someplace where loyalty, intelligence and hard work are recognized and appreciated. A girl also needs some BENEFITS!
The other women at the library, all with degrees, come to me with questions about the computers, Internet searching, spelling and general knowledge. Lynn, the new and loved branch manager, agreed to be a reference but then added, "but not if it means your leaving us!"
She knows I am looking for something else. I told her. I thought it was only fair and she understands my reasons.
And finally the day ended... it was one of the days where you suddenly realize that the working day is over... because the place is emptying out and because someone invariably gets stopped at the front door on the way out because the automatic doors lock before we officially close. I try to lock the inner doors open so that we can call out to people who can't egress and start feeling trapped before they muscle the outer doors open.
It would be simple and logical to put up a sign that directs them to push the square green button to the left that opens the doors... but nooooo.
(I have to go get my hair cut at 9 a.m.... I'll be back to finish this later.)
4869
You know what I'm talking about:
"The Mart"
"Wally World"
"Waa-Maa"
Everybody I know has some nickname for the place we go because we are lazy, we don't care that much about supporting our neighbors shops, and we like affordable Chinese stuff.
Yes, Wal-Mart does sell American-made materials, too. You have to give them that. They just don't do it as often as they could because you want name brands.
I scanned an article today on AOL about Wal-Mart following Target's ideas... nicer stuff at a discount. Well, Target is 20 miles from my house whereas Wal-Mart is about 12... but if I'm going that far anyway, and sometimes if I'm not, I prefer Target.
A: You can move in the aisles.
B: They have more/nicer choices in the kind of things I shop for.
c: Fewer people are there because it's closer to the Wal-Mart SuperCenter and the Mall.
My other options for shopping are specialty stores and online retailers.
(Oohhh! A chance to plug Campmor www.campmor.com! Been doing business with them for over 20 years.)
I just ordered my Halloween costume online.
I just got a portion of the costume yesterday. I'm not saying what portion because my friends do not know what I have chosen to be this year. I have made the leap from a shirt two years ago, to a party costume and a mask last year.
This year, if the bulk of the costume comes in time...
but I am digressing. Yes, I will go to Wal-Mart... for things that I can't find in Publix. I am not a mall shopper though.
I like going to TJ Maxx and even Goodwill... and I recently made a haul at the local Beall's.
Oi gevalt! I have to stop typing and get ready for work! See ya! More later, maybe.
Alas!
There just isn't time and brain power enough within me to find the time to read and savor all the great journals out there.
On the other hand,
Cristy and Derek and Geoff and Lisa and Sandy and Barry and I and who knows who else are going to see Chicago and Earth, Wind and Fire tomorrow night! I think it'll be a blast.
Geoff, with his tight little buns, has the hook-up. That's how I got to see Melissa Etheridge. That was a way cool concert. She is so little but that girl can belt and wail.
And we're all gonna truck on over to the amphitheatre in West Palm Beach. (Whatever they are calling it this month!)
Chicago and EWF aren't what I typically listen to, but they are fun, innocent, and a reminder of what was good about the past.
Strap on your roller skates....
Synergy:
The simultaneous joint action of separate parties which, together, have greater total effect than the sum of their individual effects.
www.eyefortransport.com/glossary/st.shtml
agents working together harmoniously
www.lovingscents.com/Glossary.htm
The dynamic energetic atmosphere created in an online class when participants interact and productively communicate with each other and in groups. The cooperative efforts of the participants create an enhanced combined effect compared to the sum of their individual effects. This atmosphere is highly conducive to learning.
www.coloradomtn.edu/ distlearn/resources/glossary.html
Synchronicity:
An explanatory principle that deals with meaningful coincidences; an acausal principle that links events having a similar meaning by their coincidence in time rather than sequentially.
www.thepeacefulplanet.com/glossary.html
refers to the alignment of forces in the universe to create an event or circumstance.
www.indexlistus.de/keyword/List_of_alternative, _speculative_and_disputed_theories.php
Synchronicity is a word created by the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung to describe the alignment of "universal forces" with the life experiences of an individual. Jung believed that many experiences perceived as coincidences were not merely due to chance, but instead reflected the creation of an event or circumstance by the "co-inciding" or alignment of such forces. The process of becoming intuitively aware and acting in harmony with these forces is what Jung labeled "individuation." Jung said that
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synchronicity
I woke up knowing my shirt was soaked in sweat. I turned off the a/c last night. It's 80 degrees at 3 a.m. The weather has been blistering hot or rainy. I am grateful for the rain.
My heart is wrapped around the pretty thought of Em. I don't know what will happen. Old heartaches become snipers. I'm trying to duck what my doubts thow at me.
I'm a brat. The idea that I might not get to see her this weekend is something to be suffered. I'm not the better person. In her arms is where I want to be... laughing with her while I drive her all over the place... befuddled as she calls orders to me from her room upstairs.
I wish I had a cooler, less desperate heart. When I fall for someone, I want to be with them most of the time. As if!
I end up with me. Luckily, I am more amusing than tv... at least to me.
You leave in the morning
With everything you own
In a little black case
Alone on a platform
The wind and the rain
On a sad and lonely face
Mother will never understand
Why you had to leave
But the answers you seek
Will never be found at home
The love that you need
Will never be found at home
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Pushed around and kicked around
Always a lonely boy
You were the one
That they'd talk about around town
As they put you down
And as hard as they would try
They'd hurt to make you cry
But you never cried to them
Just to your soul
No you never cried to them
Just to your soul
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Cry , boy, cry...
You leave in the morning
With everything you own
In a little black case
Alone on a platform
The wind and the rain
On a sad and lonely face
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
On a lark, I looked up reversi and found some interesting information on Wikipedia.
It said that computers can't be beat at reversi because they can see farther ahead than we pitiful humans. Why play a machine?
I can't see my opponents, but I can surmise useful information by the way they play. If they don't fill in the sides, they are naive. If they answer with counter-moves that block you from reaching a side or a corner, they are aggressive and trying to win and they are experienced and smart.
If they allow you to plant a man between their chips, they aren't being too cautious or really trying to see ahead.
Games are good. We need distractions from things... like losing your heart for no apparent reason. Sometimes we need something, anything, to give us a sense of accomplishment, especially if everything else seems overwhelming.
I'd be happy to accept a challenge from anyone who can find a way for us to play together.
Bonus feature:
Here's a word college professors love: microcosm.
I still wonder about my reversi opponents.
Who are they? Where are they really?
The board tells you the language they speak. But English could be anywhere. I wish it differentiated English from, say, North American. They could be in any number of countries around the globe.
I handed out several defeats this morning and am unvanquished... at least by the game. I wish that the rest of life could go as easily.
But like life, you can't really tell until the end if you are winning or not. Sometimes I think life's chips are beginning to blanket the board.
4820
Everyone of these folks has given me a reason to want to link to them...
Amusing Things that Patrons Do and Say in the Library Environment
Adventures of an Eclectic Mind
All Things Just Keep Getting.. Stranger
Just say no to socialist liberals!
Funny Ha-Ha, or Funny Strange?
The inner brains of a Lezbo...
Looking beyond the Cracked Window...
Something Awful - The Internet Makes You Stupid
Moon Dancer's Sisterhood Scapebook
Newton's laws of motion as applied to me.
Trapped in the Body of a Civil Servant...Help!!!
Crónica bollo desde el Imperio del Mal
Un petit comprimé par jour pendant un an
Mi Cultivo Aeroponico paso a paso
The Online Home of Kate Clinton
The Huffington Post | The Blog
I will wait, hold fast, exhibit fortitude.
It was a young friend of mine in Georgia... whose journal is private so I can't link you... that reminded me that something good is worth trying to... earn.
My heart latches on quick... hopefully it's not leech-like.
Ok... breathe, relax, center....
PATIENCE. PATIENCE. PATIENCE.
Nu... forgive me. I'm a brat! Ani ohevet otach.
I'm awake in the wee hours with the glare of the computer on my face.
I talked to my Em' last night and there is a chance that I won't get to see her this weekend. I took this news quietly like an adult but the child in me choked back tears.
That means that I will have to wait until the next time her children deign to spend the weekend with their dad.
It also means I will have to find something else to do with my rare free Saturday. Maybe something constructive like look for another job, or something kind, like visit my family.
It doesn't matter to Em' what happens, so I guess I should relax my heart some. Maybe I should talk to her about an open relationship. I am completely enamored but I need to be realistic this time! When you lay down your heart, it's likely to get squished.
Would it be so wrong to go do things with the other people who ask for me? There are two other people who I have put off because of Em. I want to be with her, but if she can't be with me, is there a point?
If Em' doesn't last, I don't know if I will let a woman with children into my life again. I don't want to compete. And I don't want to hide.
My girlfriends meet my friends and family. I like my people to know who I'm going out with and why they don't see much of me. Although... I don't see much of my family anymore anyway. I can't stand the bickering and bad feelings.
At least I know that i m not alone. In J-land, there is good and bad. njlittlebear is a real pistol but is down on his weight every time I look over at his journal. judi is in one of the best relationships you ever read about but her heart is breaking every day from estrangement from her children. Then you read most any journal that they feature in their links. It's always something.
Is anybody truly happy?
I had just a glimpse this morning when my waking dream was that I needed a drink of water and the person who came into the kitchen and helped me out was Angelina Jolie. I don't know who's kitchen we were in.... She just wordlessly pointed to a glass on the table then stood there watching me with her catty eyes.
Then I woke up and got some water. If life was only "but a dream."
4786
journal entry created Friday 8/5
Sometimes there isn't time. Sometimes I'm bursting but too distracted. Sometimes I am drained. Sometimes what I want to say conflicts with what I feel are responsibilities to the people concerned/involved. There's always a reason why I'm not writing, because I'd give you something everyday if I had my "druthers."
Lately though, I''m not writing because I am waiting for a phone call. Almost every night, somebody new's voice is the last thing I hear before I sleep. She talks to me for hours. Sometimes she even sings. I jones for her voice in my ear. I don't know if she knows what she does to me inside, but she must have an inkling because last night she teased me about being in love.
Am I?
All I know is the day after I met her, instead of waking up giddy and full of lust as would be usual, I was upset, even scared.
She's special, this Em'... we seem like long-time friends. She says exactly what's on her mind and challenges me to talk much more than is usual. My concern was what would happen now, what would happen to screw it up, what I would do wrong. I was afraid that she would bail, too.
I'm trying to stay cool this time. She reminded me that she is not someone who has hurt me. She keeps calling me of her own volition. I guess that's a good sign.
We'll take it slow. What choice is there? I will only be able to see her one or two days a month. For me, that's agony... but there's the phone... and the glories of her long-distance plan.
Did I ever tell you that I believe that prayers get answered?
Sometimes you don't recognize it, sometimes you do. And sometimes the answer is "No."
What is this new thing happening with Em' and I? I don't know yet. Thank God for horror movies and thrill rides, though... and all the things that teach us to enjoy fear and suspense!
A man asked God, "Lord, what's a million years to you?"
God replied, "A minute."
The man asked, "Lord, what's a million dollars to you?"
God replied, "A penny."
The man said "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
Before I forget... I have been wrapped up in other things going on....
Today I went for the results of my STD test. i arrived about 10 minutes early and waited about 30 or 40 minutes past my appointment time. I was called in and I waited several more minutes in an exam room.
A doctor came in and asked for my ID. He asked if I had sex since my previous visit and then he pulled himself over to me and showed me...
negative, negative, negative, negative...
no chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV, etc. Clean.
That was it. I was done. He said come back in 6 months for another HIV test.
The wait was a minor inconvenience.
Had I received positive results, he would have given me information and further advice. I believe they would have set up counseling and disclosure info. for previous partners.
I am happy with my results. I was confident that I was disease-free before the test, but I did have a small doubt. It is good to know I'm clean.
I am not happy that no one has commented. I hope this helps someone else.
I went out Saturday night. My friend Lisa introduced me to some of her friends. My step-sister and two of her friends came out to the bar. They enjoyed the queens and danced afterward.
The bar's home queen, Kelli, usually torments one woman in the crowd and pulls up her shirt and exposes her breasts to the crowd.
I had been teasing the girls about handing one of the queens a dollar but they were too shy (to my surprise.) I had already done it once for their amusement.
True to form, Kelli had a young woman before the crowd. He had done the deed and was standing there teasing her. I slipped in around behind him and reached out to put a dollar in the woman's bra.
The crowd cheered and Kelli slapped me.
(I just want to point out that I was absolutely sober.)
I probably wouldn't have done it, but I think I wanted to show my little sister that I have some mischief in me....
I have not finished reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince but yesterday at work I was looking at a review of the book on Wikipedia. I jumped ahead and did not see the caveat "spoiler warning." I only glimpsed the plot summary but it was enough to ruin the suspense.
I shook my head in chagrin. Maureen asked what was wrong. I told her I had just seen what happened and who was who and who gets killed and I couldn't believe I'd just spoiled it for myself.
The librarians I work with, for the most part, don't know the names of the regular customers unless they've had some kind of dealing with them that has made them memorable.
There are several people that I have served for years but am not really conscious of their names because they usually just check out and return things and don't fuss.
But there are times when I decide that I will know a patron by sight. (And other times when I think it is important to remember who they are as they leave.) So I have learned to identify people in much the same way as you learn to identify birds.
I notice their features and if necessary, use a mnemonic device. For instance, there is a Mrs. Sanders. Her skin is very pink. She reminds me of Piglet for all her pinkness. Winnie-the-Pooh's house said "Mr. Sanders" on it. I see her Piglet face, I remember... Mrs.Sanders.
There is another man and he is old and scruffy, but he has laugh lines about his eyes. He's kind when he asks for help. I know his name, too, from his library card. I also know, from his address, that though he doesn't appear to be fancy, he is a millionaire.
I remember people from there features. If you pick up a good birding book, it will show you to look at the eyes, the beak, the neck, the breast, the wing, the feet of a bird, and to notice the markings and how they differ.
Sometimes though, it takes a few visits to put the traits together with the name. And there are aptrons who look alike or similar to each other and I can confuse them.
For example, there are two medium-length haired brunettes with olive skin and thick lips who are loud. I tried to give one the other's hold item yesterday. Oops! Totally different names.
After a while, you get to know and love people. I have patrons ask me to dinner, wanting to adopt me, giving me drawings they did, trying to fix me up with their nephews, treating me like a celebrity when they see me out somewhere in public. Fer cornsake, all I do is check out their books!
