I drove all night.

I've been out for hours, cruising around, running some errands.  I feel empty and edgy.  I am thinking about my Em.  I don't know what to do.  There's no comfort here.

Am I asking too much; to actually see the person I'm dating?

I adore Em.  She's smart and so sassy.  She loves making jokes at my expense and after all the verbal abuse I endured in my life, I don't mind a single bit.  It's warm with her. 

I'd love to be patient with stamina.  I just don't know what I'm waiting for.

Her children are her number one concern.  I get it.

She has school to accomplish.  I get it.

Her ex-husband is a dingleberry who, with his second wife, is making her life very difficult.  I get it.

How she keeps pressing on is a wonder.  She's amazing.  She blows my mind.  I pray for things to be easier for her.

I'll just be over here wondering if I'll ever get squeezed in for long-term, hello-I-see-you-and-I-am-glad-you-are-here kind of thing.

It doesn't seem likely.  There will always be something creating an obstacle.

I don't expect promises of a future. I see how life works.  Staying together is rare.  Here we are and there isn't even being together a little while.  I guess I'm not enough.

She needs someone who chats a lot and is as fiery as she is.  Someone who isn't as sensitive as I am.  Someone content to be on the backburner.

I feel so empty today.  A few days ago, she called and told me all her problems and just listening to her made me happy.

Then she told me we couldn't see each other this weekend.  That's what I wait for.  How pathetic am I?!

She isn't pushing me away like the one who broke my heart did.  She isn't even letting me get close enough to get pushed away.

My heart is a vacuum.  I want to bury my head in the sand.  I want to sleep like I am dead.  I want to be everything I'm not.  I can't beg for attention, for affection.

Tonight I would have stopped where my mother's ashes are, but at 11 at night, the church parking lot was loaded with people.  It's just as well.  I know I would have broken down.

Never mind, it's happening now.  I wish I was still out driving... to keep my mind focused on surviving streets full of teenagers and drinkers rather than being here, alone, empty... and feeling like sugar on the floor.