Luckily, the ants swarming inside this old mobile home tonight are the big, wing-ed kind that aren't malicious unless you mess with them. Thank goodness for the bug spray that does them in quickly and isn't harmful to my cat and doesn't give me any respiratory grief.
There has been so much rain this season. This isn't the first time the critters have tried to take over the house.
"Equality" is an grass-roots group that has done much good in other states, but in Florida, it's something of a joke. I don't know why people here don't realize that if we don't fight for our rights and the right to be responsible for each other, we'll never get anywhere and might even be set back.
In the past, I went to where the group was supposed to meet, only to find no one else. At my third try, there were some people there who looked like they might be meeting but damned if I was going up to them, in a sports bar, to ask if they were homosexual activists.
I received e-mail from someone who wants to try and start again. I'm skeptical. I don't have much energy to give as it is. I certainly don't want to drive all the way to some meeting place in another county just to get burned again.
I will write to politicians and speak to crowds and take to the streets... but with other people who are for real. I don't have the time to fool around.
I give regularly to the Human Rights Campaign. (*Note to self: Call HRC and change payment method.) When I run into someone else who gives a flying kadiddlehopper, then maybe we'll start a movement.
What I really want to talk about tonight is my heart. The woman I am supposedly involved with doesn't have time for me again this weekend.
I was hoping to see her to talk about the status of the relationship in person. It isn't fair to expect me to wait forever for her to have time for me. I changed my work schedule to accommodate her. She can't even see me. This will make it more than a month since I've seen her.
She has so much going on. I understand that. What the hell am I doing in the equation? She has NO TIME for me.
I don't feel that I can approach the subject at this time. I am the least of her concerns. She doesn't need me whining or asking for freedom to see other people or telling her I can be her friend but I can't handle nothingness.
She's hurting me and it's just not right. I wonder how long I can put up with being treated like this before I crack. She doesn't know she's making me miserable. It isn't the right time to tell her I need to be able to see her now and then or just be friends and nothing more. I don't think I've asked her for anything more than that. But it's too high a price for her.
I don't know what I'm supposed to feel like when I get treated like this. I don't want to add any other problem to her complex life right now.
I know I need to tell her that she needs to love me or let me go. I am more than willing to fit her into my life. I'm not important enough to be a real part of hers.
It's all about finding the right moment and the saying it... even if it comes out wrong. The one thing that I learned from having my heart raked over is that you have to look out for yourself.
I gave up time to myself and time I'd spend with family and friends. I save up to be with her. Gas ain't cheap but I am more than willing to make the trip, even for just a brief visit.
Nope. Not wanted. School, kids, work.
Why does she even bother with me at all?
Give me strength. I'm afraid I am going to have to say goodbye. I don't want to.
Maybe it's time to get those other 92 cats. I'm about ready to give up.
5876
1 comment:
you deserve to be someone's priority. You deserve better than this. It is not that she is a bad person, you two are just at different places in your lives. You tell her you want to have someone in your life to adore, and someone who will adore you..... and that you want the very same for her when she is ready.
You have so much to give..... go out there and find someone who can reciprocate.
just my two cents.
judi
Post a Comment