train of thought at 4 a.m.

 

Reasons to leave your computer on all night:

night light....

insomnia....

getting mail immediately....

finding out who else is an insomniac....

This morning I stirred from sleep to find 5 IMs sitting waiting.  Three were from people I actually personally know from real life.  One was from a woman I think I coud totally fall in love with in another state.  And one was from a chat buddy I barely know and rarely talk to.

I am doing better at meeting more people and talking to more people.  Maybe I have been inspired more than I know by the people I see in libraries sitting side-by-side at a computer bank, not talking to each other.

I was with a friend yesterday and she was talking to me about how nervous I am when I first meet people.  My nervousness is considerable, but I overcome it quickly enough.  I can't explain how far I have come out of shyness and away from a lack of self-esteem.  It's been a long road.  I don't wish to discuss the causes only to say that when I speak of my childhood and youth and how lovely it was, I tend to leave things out because it was the good things that have brought me here.  It is being loved and cared for that I think about now.  That's all that really matters.  Life wasn't always great, but it was never horrid.  It was occasionally treacherous....

So anyway, when I go to meet people by myself for the first time, I am internally in an uproar. When I am introduced to people I am relatively quiet until I get to know them.  At first, they take it as... I don't know, perhaps conceit or shyness.  The truth is that I do not talk a lot.  If I have nothing to say, I shut up.  I think a lot.  Sometimes it can take hours or even days for me to answer a question after serious weighing of the issue.  However, my answers are definite... well, usually.

I remember the day I met V.  She had blown my mind online and I was already enamored.  I had no idea what to expect.  She came to the place where I work and I could feel myself blushing and starting to perspire, but I was so ready to meet her after months of playful Internet correspondence. We went to dinner from there.  She was so lively and fun... yeah, there were awkward moments, but I was still impressed.  When we parted I wanted more than a brief hug.

Flash forward to any of the two recent "Ms."  I met M1 for breakfast (because I do not work until late Wednesday morning.)  I was so stirred up I kept walking into the bathroom while I waited for her.  Part of the reason may have been that I had only talked to her the night before. Waiting for M2 to show last Sunday, I was lucky to be riding on empty.  When she came around a corner I asked her for a hug to allay my nervousness.  It startled her.  She thought I was a member of the staff!  I had talked to her more than M1 before we met, but still my jitters were rolling inside me like marbles against rough steel.  I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into and had few preconceived notions about who she would be.  It turns out that she was pretty nice, but I have probably scared her away with my nervousness, which I assured her would fade away.

I don't ask a lot of probing personal questions or ask for photographs unless they are offered.  I really don't care what people look like or what size they are.  Well... okay... I confess that I don't believe myself to be into "skinny."  I like women with meat on 'em.  I have a little bit of "meat" myself.  Maybe I need to make a list of questions that will help me be calmer when I meet people.  Or maybe I need to bring a friend along....