a less awkward life, please

Really, all I want is a good sturdy lesbian to sleep with me every night and scratch the places I can't reach, someone who will cook sometimes and will inspire me to neater-ness.  Someone with wisdom and tact, genteelity and laughter.

I don't need goddesses, princesses, she-men, drama queens.  I want a girl who likes to read, someone who knows how to share and can confide in me.  I want a girl who doesn't mind sharing friends and co-workers.  I need a girl who isn't hiding from life.  I want a girl who is my equal and who balances me out.  I want a someone willing to schlepp around the countryside or just the county-side with me on a lark, someone who respects my family in spite of themselves.  I don't care how she wears her hair, what she looks like or what size she is.

I want a girl who knows that love is not sex nor is it grand gestures and everything being perfect all the time.  Love is little things, like small thoughtfulnesses and really big things, like taking care of each other.  Love is patience, tolerance, forbearance, strength shared, trust, compromise and helping each other through the trials of life. 

I don't care if she is not the nicest person in the world as long as we are good to and for each other. (*Please note this, SS.)

In spite of a quote earlier in this journal about it being noble to have a love free of attachment, I know that love includes attachment...  it just allows freedom.  Maybe the author of the quote had a different meaning for attachment.  I am attached to everyone I care about, no matter who, no matter where.  I love my college friends as much as I love my step-siblings.  I am attached to all the people of my life and their lives make a difference to me even if we hardly ever talk, even if we lose touch somehow.

I let them all do their thing, sometimes it is rough to let them go and I maybe do that badly at times, but I do love them all the same.  I just can't turn off my heart. I do wish we lived like people used to, when most everyone you loved was in travelling distance.  I might be happy in a commune or on a reservation.  My cousins and friends and everyone who means something to me, available and sharing life.

I know you're thinking the group process alone might drive ya nuts, but I believe we rise to the occasion more often than not.  People used to live that way.  Some people still do.

It may be guilt that drove me to write this selection.  In the past several weeks, I have not been visiting my father's house much at all.  I used to go at least once or even twice a week.  Now I stay home or go over to C's.  I did date M1 briefly and she is the first person I am happy about not introducing to my family in the initial days of courtship. (I have never written about E, but she met my parents on our first date.  I was going there anyway.  That was an interesting time.  We made out in three counties that day.  I shoulda known that she was bad news!)

I share my dates with my friends and family.  I'm just inclusive like that.  It doesn't mean I'm asking for consent and approval. My family and friends are accepting people and I am close to them.

I offer honesty, attention, affection, steadiness, flexibility, patience.  Someone I was with told me that she had never felt safer in bed.  I was so happy to have provided that!

I have found that two out of three girlfriends want to sneak into Dad's and have sex.  Oh, wait... maybe that last time was my idea. (shame face!)

Addendum:

Love is not necessarily marriage.  Marriage is really about societal acceptance and even more about legal privilege.  But even societal acceptance doesn't guarantee staying together.  People say that gay relationships don't last and that they are promiscuous.  Everybody is like that, y'all are just looking at gays way to closely, pointing a finger when 3 curl back at you.