40 on the 12

The electricity is back on at my home.  I am still staying at my parent's for a little while longer at least.

I am taking advantage of the emptiness of the place to clean it as much as I am able.  The clutter has got to go, and it's very difficult to get rid of things even though I have no use for them.

I'm entitled to keep a few things, but it is ridiculous and counter-productive to keep everything.  I've just been burdened with the things of my family's past lives.  I'm ready to have less so that I am more ready to move about with a great burden of things.

I want someone else to help me release things that I know I don't need.

I collected stamps as a kid. My collection is probably worth a little over $500.

I have a few model cars.  No one knows about that fascination of mine (until now), but the rule is that I have to be totally taken with the car, that's why I only have a few.  Is it very valuable?  No. 

And then my boxes are full of doo-dads and knick-knacks and Christmas ornaments and books and all kinds of stuff.

I don't have the time for a yard sale, and the truth is I don't have the patience for people pawing through things in my front yard, either.  Half this town knows me from the library, I don't need some of them knowing where I live!

I'm the only one hanging on to the memories the things represent.  That's probably because I am by myself.  I no longer find much comfort in my mother's dress or ornaments my grandmother made.  My memories are empty and my new ones are sketchy because they go largely unshared.

Writing that was like having someone drag their nails across my heart.  Em seems to be blowing me off.  I don't understand how people who seem to have strong principles, intelligence and profess to care for people can just decide to not respond to phone calls, e-mails.

I realize that Hurricane Wilma did a lot of damage and things are still messed up in South Florida, but I know that Em's voicemail was full and now it's not. 

I care for and trust people and they suddenly decide to just cut me off.  It makes me wonder what is so bad about me?  They want me in their beds, but not in their lives.  What am I doing wrong???

Talking with Cristy gives me some insight.

I didn't give Vicki space she needed.  I know that.  She would have dumped me anyway because she changed her mind about loving me.  I acted badly because I was so hurt and so confused and so worried about her.  Communication was bad there.

Em is sweet and funny and smart.  I loved the way we fit together when we hugged.  I loved the way she teased me.  But she has a lot of physical problems and a lot of emotional stress.  I thought having me in her life was good for her.  "You're always there for me," she said.  That hasn't changed.

I do understand though... she has children and they have major issues.  I can understand her needing to put us aside. 

I can't understand no communication whatsoever from a woman who used to call and talk to me for hours.

Alas.

Somewhere out there, there has got to be a woman who is smart, patient, free and willing to love and be loved.  Communication is something you work on together.

Maybe it's my destiny to be alone.  I'm really starting to mind being alone.  I didn't use to get lonely.  I'm lonely. 

I've had the wonderful feeling of someone who I thought loved me sleeping with her head on my heart.

I've helped lovers feel good about themselves.  I helped two of them quit smoking for good (thus far, anyway.)

I'm willing to share all that I am and all that I have and anything else that comes along.

Okay, yes... I've been alone a long time and might take some time adapting to togetherness, but I can do it.  I'm willing to accept that I am or can be self-centered.  Who isn't, really?

What am I missing?  I'm not rich or into dress up, but I have what I need and a bit to share.  Where do I fail?

I wish these women who blow me off had the gumption and the kindness to tell me.

 

 

I know a lot of my journal seems like whining but I'm just laying out what I feel.  I don't think that's wrong.

 

 

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