People call me shy because, in spite of my honesty, I really am. It takes a certain amount of ego and chutzpah to air your life to the world at large. I realized today that putting my photo in the journal may be the single most foolish thing I have ever done. I did it because I could. C took my picture so I could send them to a woman I adore and will probably never meet. I decided to use them. I am not proud of my looks, I have that average American look -- the kind of person you don't look twice at when you pass each other in Wal-Mart. This is not what I set out to talk about.
What I want to say is that woman I adore... well, she ran from communication. I knew... I kept telling her that it wasn't real until we were in the same room together. I wanted her to know she had an out.
She blew me off and removed her screen names. What's happening with her is so intense she feels she has to stop being the person her online friends have come to expect. Is she running from me? I hope not. I do understand the things that are leading her to behave the way she is (namely, her love for the children she helped raise.)
That's okay. I have no intention of competing with that and I really never did.
Even when I dated V I knew there was no coming between a Mama Bear and her cubs. (Too bad my father never learned that. His second marriage would be so much better if he'd just butt out. Unless they agree to letting you co-parent, just shut the hell up. Talk to their leader, not to the kids themselves. And keep your opinions to yourself. I had to learn that the hard way.)
It occurred to me today that I was happy that I had kept my head and not gone completely ga-ga over this woman out in California. Oh, I love her with an honest and sincere passion, but I know she isn't leaving California anymore than I am leaving Florida. I don't think that means I have to stop loving. When you find someone you can connect with....
I was a daydreamer up to last year. Then I got my heart crushed (HELLO! DUH! MY OWN FAULT!) and woke up. This time around.... This time around I did not let my dreams carry me away. I'm okay with this. I hope she doesn't think less of herself because she shouldn't. I hope that she doesn't cite herself for following her heart.
So... don't stay away... okay?
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